'To be or not To be'

A few days ago, I was not astounded to go through the suicide news of one of the facultys of Business Administration Department of East-West University, who was only 26. Many of us were very inquisitive to know about the reason behind her suicide, who was financially stable and educated. They could not see the rupture and threshold inside her mental chamber except her sound social and financial status. It is a matter of great concern that the number of suicide cases is increasing day by day in Bangladesh. In 2014, Bangladesh was enlisted as the 10th suicide prone country by the World Health Organization (WHO) .  What are the reasons for which Bangladesh is witnessing more suicide cases than before? Obviously, different people commit suicide for different mental agonies. But, we cannot deny the fact that sometimes, it‘s ‘we’ (society) procreates the environment for ‘I’ (individual) for committing suicide.  Let’s dig deeper into it.

           First of all, I can’t help telling about the technological advancement, which has enchained us in our day to day life. Now, like the alcoholics, we have formed the addiction to face book, whatsapp,  viber,  imo, and games. We do have the strong bonding with these social media sites than the real world people. Most of the times, we try evade our frustration by using different social media sites, but in fact, we delve into deeper  frustration by seeing the success, happiness, and  hangouts of other people.  We naturally ask the question, ‘our life could be like them’!!!  We find a sad consolation to see the happiest people in these media sites. Sometimes, we give indirect status regarding our problems and get sympathetic comments, but in reality, we do not want to discuss our problems, even with our near and dear ones. We cannot blame ourselves for this situation. Now days, there is hardly any house which does not possess a computer, android phone, and dish connection. These technological devices are being used from adult to children. I have seen many children and even adults, who become busy with their phone or computer or television just after coming from outside. There is hardly any time for each other in the family. As a result, even the bonding among the family members is getting flimsy. A sense of reliance on other family members is shrinking. Once, we used to pass time and share our thoughts and emotion with other siblings or parents. We used to discuss our dilemmas, take advices, as well as take decision in a body. But, now, this space is being narrowed down. Because of this flimsy bonding, many people want to clandestine their problems inside themselves and thus, strive against trauma. Sometimes, they take drastic decision to get rid of their complications; we should not be surprised, if it is a suicidal decision.  

                    Then,  I cannot but share a discussion between I and one of my senior brother’s wife.  We went his home just a few days after the Holy Artisan Attack in Gulshan. She is the mother of two. However, she was telling me that at present, children always remain busy either with computer or television. The number of playgrounds or open space for playing is being decreased; sometimes, it becomes difficult to manage time for the parents to take their children to an open space or playground. As a result, the children get less opportunity to do physical activities, which indeed requires for undermining stress. Her abode is quite spacious and decorated with a very few furniture. She let me know that she could embellish her house with a plenty of furniture, but she did not do so, because she wants to let her children to romp around the house. However, even we, the adult have become so obsessed with social media sites that we are not inclined to go for any kind of physical labor or exercise.  But, Physical exercise is considered as the substitute of antidepressants. Every day, even a walk for 30 minutes can   be effective to lessen our mental stress.  

             Now, it’s time to tell something regarding a very few of my close friends. I am used to calling them million dollar babies since they have huge wealth, well social status, and sound affiliation with their near and dear ones. As far as I know, they hardly have any complication or problem in their lives.  They have been grown up of fulfilling their wishes.  In spite of having everything, they feel, something is missing. Nothing has gone wrong with them; in spite of this, they suffer from an uncanny depression. They feel irritated and depressed over the littlest things. I am beating about the bush because I personally believe, they will be blown out by only one drastic blow. They do have the weakest defense mechanism; in the crucial moment of their life they would be failed to response to the crisis to defend themselves. In many families, the parents leave no stone unturned to fulfill almost every wish of their children. Sometimes, the children get everything before they ask and the parents always remain their beck and call to solve every little problem. Thus, the children become so vulnerable that they cannot take apposite   decision in the moment of crises. Sometimes, the parents should let their children to confront problems  and struggle to come out of the dillemas. Otherwise, there are possibilities, they would be so fragile that broken into several pieces at the moment of quandary . Again, there are some parents who bring up their children with an iron fist, which is sometimes defined as hostile and aggressive parenting. They always remain scared of their parents. As a result, they never share their problems with their parents. The space of sharing problems is being curtailed by the parents. Consequently, they always avoid expressing their thoughts, feelings, and problems to their parents. It is very important for the parents to be rigid and friendly on the bases of the circumstances and behavior of their children. They need to be ambivalent in dealing with their children, so that, even when the children become adult, in their dire consequences, they rush to their parents for emotional other supports.

              I want to say something about those parents who always motivate their children to delve into the curriculum to score a good result in the exam. I have seen many concerned parents, who are used to buying new text books for their children for the new class just after the final exam. This approach by the parents is even applied to many college students’.  So these, children are being habituated to study their text books and reading materials to cut a good figure in the exam. They do not have the time to go through the stories, novels, science fictions, poems, autobiographies and biographies of the eminent personalities, and so on. Even, many of the university students are not enthusiastic to accumulate their knowledge outside their curriculum because of their earlier acquired habit and thus, they become the master of their related field.  But, the peripheral knowledge has the tremendous power to teach us to live, to swim with the stream, to take the right the decision at the right time and so on. Moreover, knowledge beyond the curriculum helps us to analyze a situation, and if we can analyze any situation in life, we would be able to take a better decision. After all, it gives us the opportunity to discover, think, evaluate, and analyze the world around us in broader and more universal terms.

            Last but not least, good parenting requires teaching the children ethics, morality, values, and healthy religious education. I have termed it healthy since sometimes superficial   religious knowledge can deviate us from taking the right decision during crises. However, if the children find lack of ethics and morality within their parents or observe hostile attitude between them, they may gradually disconnect from their parents on the ethical or emotional ground. Thus, the children hardly share or take their problems to their parents.   

                We all know that suicide is not a solution. But, sometimes, we reach into the climax of life that makes us befuddle and thus, we ask to ourselves ‘to be or not to be’.  At that time, only a helping hand can bring us to life. Some other times, many people take the decision of committing suicide on the spur of the moment, without thinking about the consequences of doing such thing.  In a third world and populous country like Bangladesh, a very few counseling centre is being   founded. Sometimes, we are not inclined to go for counseling since we think that even the counseling is not going to help us to get rid of our problems. Whatever, we have to remember that the best counseling comes from the endeared. We need to create a milieu, where we can share our thoughts, feelings, and emotion.  Moreover, I personally believe that more or less, everybody suffers from post modern frustration. This is a malady which is spreading throughout the world in an epidemic form. In order to fight against this malady, we need to use an antidote at the right time, and this is ‘you & I’, who can assist each other to produce and use this antidote,

                                               
                                               

  

Still I Rise

Once Ernest Hemingway  said,

 

                                 “The world is a fine place and 

                                                             

                                         worth fighting for.”

The greatest irony lies in the 1^st one and I utterly agree with the second one. We live in the era which is known as post postmodernism or meta-modernism. The people of this globe have transcended the modernism but along with this, we observe the immense inhumanity, distrust, barbarity, devoid of morality, and ethics among the inhabitants’ of this universe than before. I seek your pardon for beating about the bush. In this world, so called society or we can say that so called powerful and rich people constantly enforce the mass people to be the puppets of their flute. We, the mass people are considered as the ‘subaltern’ or the voiceless voice. Here, almost all the people lie, give false anticipation, and play ducks and drakes with the fortune of the mass people. The mass people constantly fighting to change their fortune and to them, obviously the world is not a fine place. I was wrong since apparently the world is a fine place to the have and inimical to the have-nots. 

          

       I have received the worst treatments from the so called patrician intellectuals. I want to initiate with one of the adjunct faculties of my university. He was the senior lecturer of University of Dhaka and a part time teacher of our university. He had a very candid and close relationship with one of my best friends. My friend was not a good student at all but he took 5 or 6 courses with him out of 12 courses in M.A in ELT and secured A in every course. My friend used to carry his bag until he got a C.N.G, he bought laptop for the faculty and took it to his home; after all, he was a bootlicker of the first water.  

        However, in my last semester, we together took a course. In that course, we had to submit a paper and sit for only one exam. There were three members in our group. I still remember, I did 45% work  of the paper and the other group member did the rest of the work, while my friend only choose the topic of the paper. I did not have any complain regarding this. However, we sit for our exam and we three sit adjacently. On the exam hall, I asked one of the questions to my friend but to my utter surprise he threw his answer script on my seat. I was scared since I never adopted unfair means in the exam. Without viewing his answer script, I was trying to return his answer script, but the faculty noticed it. He did not say anything in the exam hall. My friend had an excellent CGPA (3.78) but I fervently required obtaining A in that course since it would raise my CGPA 3.50. Behind my back, my friend was calling our faculty and blamed me for the task. Before the publication of my result, I was restive of thinking about my result, but he was carefree. On the day of the publication of our result, he went for a date with his girlfriend. I got B+ on that course but I was astounded to see that my friend had secured A in that course. He knew it before thus went for a date without viewing his result. I had done innumerable things for his well being, I fought against people in favor of him, I got insulted for him, I covered his disgusting and despicable faults from his girlfriends, even I used to teach and help his girlfriends from every angle and so on. After all, I was the giver and he was only the taker. But, he forgot every single deed of mine which I used to do for him. I even went to inquire about this injustice to our adjunct faculty, but he showed his blood shot eyes and told me that my friend put the blame on me.    However, then one of the famous quote by Tagore hit into my mind;

                                               

                                 ‘Both are being equally detestable,

                                          

                                   Who commits and endures crime’  

                                              

So, I took the issue to the chairman. He assured me that he would try to ensure justice for me. He told me to submit an application against my friend and the adjunct faculty. I did not do so since my friend would be fired from his Graduate Teaching Assistant job, if I did so. In the middle of the next semester, the corrupted faculty changed the grade; he gave A- in that course instead of A. Then, my total CGPA was raised to 3.47. If he would raise my grade beginning of that next semester, I would be able to retake one of the courses, and thus I could secure 3.5. If I could obtain 3.5, I would be able to apply as a university faculty like my other friends or I could easily apply for scholarship in abroad. I had to wait 8 more months for doing a course which I did not want to do. There was another reason for which I did not retake one of the courses; in the mean time one of my face-book friends submitted my CV in one of the leading News Channel, I called for a written interview there and got selected. The Head of the News of that channel assured me that next month, he would call me for joining. I thought, as I could not go for teaching, I should build my career    in journalism. I had been cherished a dream of going to abroad for further studies with a scholarship. The Head of News (English) of that channel was not giving me appointment. Every time, when I asked my friend, whether he would let me join in the channel or not, I got the same reply, “next month”. Thus, he kept me waiting for about 8 months but suddenly, he joined in another channel.  My friend was very close to that Head of News of that channel. My friend used to call him Papa.  His papa again assured me that he would let me join in his channel when the English Desk will be opened. I easily believed him and that was the greatest mistake of my life. He kept me waiting for another 9 months and suddenly I heard that he was appointed for a diplomatic mission in abroad. My dream was being shattered to hear this. But, I was trying to enroll in the previous channel, where I was selected in the written test. One of the leading ministers of Bangladesh requested them to give me the joining letter. Another, Head of News (Bangle) kept me waiting for another six months. She did not let me join in that channel for two reasons, one of them was the internal conflict between the two Head of News and I was selected by her depreciator; the second one was my friend who left his job without letting her know.  I was blaming myself to think about many good opportunities which I missed within these 2 and a half year only for my obsession for joining in the field of journalism.

         I was so monomaniac that I was still trying to enroll into journalism since I thought that it would provide me the opportunity to accumulate knowledge in my bag. I requested someone to forward my CV in one of the leading media houses. There, I had to give written interview for about 6 hours for three consecutive days’ .I could not help baffling to see silent racism by the sub-editor of that house. I was just trying to remember one of the quotes of Eduardo Bonilla-Silva, 

                                                                                                                  “The new racism: Racism without ‘racists.’ Today, racial segregation and division often result from habits, policies, and institutions that are not explicitly designed to discriminate. Contrary to popular belief, discrimination or segregation do not require animus. They thrive even in the absence of prejudice or ill will. It’s common to have racism without racists.” 

The sub-editor of that house was in the charge of taking written interview. He did not talk to me properly since I was not a girl, as well as I was from private university. He was always busy in chit chatting with another interviewee of my university, who was a girl.  On the first day of my interview, he did not spare the chance to criticize me. I was given a computer to work which did not have  Avro Software as well Microsoft Word was not showing anything regarding auto correction for fragments and wrong spelling. When I told him regarding these problems, he told me very harshly that I had to work on that computer. On the second day, I came early, so that I could possess a seat of a better computer. I possessed the seat, after sometimes; one of the interviewees of Dhaka University came. The sub-editor looked at him and gave a sigh since that DU student had to work on a less functional computer.  On the last day, after finishing my work, I requested him to punch his id card to open the door for me. He kept me waiting and waiting. I was looking at his PC and observing his work. Suddenly, he gave an angry look and told me, ‘what are you looking at’; I replied, I was looking at his work. He harshly told me, ‘you don’t need to be, it’s a bad manner’. However, he kept me waiting for an hour. After an hour, he told me that I don’t need to come from tomorrow. He did not let me know that the result would be published later. On that day, I came home from Karwan Bazar to Bashaboo on foot because of  my utter frustration. I was feeling so helpless. After a month, I was called for viva from that house. The viva was quite good, but probably they were not convinced to let me join in their house. Out of five people, only I was disqualified.

       There is a proverb, “Never believe the match makers, Prebendaries  of Kashi, lawyers, and journalists. I believed the forth one and ultimately deceived. They had played with my career and it is on the verge of ruination. In the mean time, my father was trying to manage a job for me. He called one of his students who is the owner of tea gardens and belongs many other industries. I went to his office and he showed his magnanimity by providing me a clerical job. The salary of that job was tk 10000.  He could provide me a better job but he did not do so. I did that job for a day.

          After that, I have been looking for jobs in multifarious organizations. I applied many research, advertising agencies, and NGOs but hardly got any call from these organizations. I was selected in the written interviews in almost all the organizations which called me, but after the viva interviews I was not called for joining. Sometimes, I gave satisfactory viva in those organizations but did not get any further call. 

         My father was still calling some of his students, so that I could get a job. Suddenly, he called one of his students who is the daughter of a tycoon in Bangladesh. She was also the director of multifarious mills. My father requested her to provide me a job. She kept me waiting for two days from 10 to 5. At last, she provided me a job. The task of the job was to carry documents from one office to another. On the very first day, the manager handed over me some documents to take these to Airport, Uttara,and Banani. I could not but cry to see my tasks. One of the employees told me to take train and bus and charge more bills than the actual one, which went against my ethics and I left the job on the very second day.  

However, Jessica Sorensen in her novel The Coincidence of Callie & Kayden wrote, 

                                                                                                                                       “Life is full of luck, like getting dealt a good hand, or simply by being in the right place at the right time. Some people get luck handed to them, a second chance, a save. It can happen heroically, or by a simple coincidence, but there are those who don’t get luck on a shiny platter, who end up in the wrong place at the wrong time, who don’t get saved.”

 I quoted this line since a few months earlier; one of the persons who is very close to mine and a very good person had forwarded my CV to the Director of one of the leading NGO’s of the world. I was called for the interview and the written interview was quite good. One of my friends was the senior HR manager of that institution. I told him regarding the interview and he really motivated me to go for it. After some days, I was called for a demo interview without the acknowledgement of the HR division. When I informed regarding this to my friend, he was infuriated since how could another department call me for an interview. I requested him not to react and thus, he gave me commitment not to expose it. But, he was demotivating me by saying that I was not eligible for the post. So, I should not go for the interview.  But, I appeared for the demo interview. It was better than expected, but the last question of the interviewer was ‘ have you told ‘Z(my friend)’ regarding the demo interview. I replied yes . My friend informed all the employees of that NGO regarding this. He even called the interviewer and asked her, how they could take interview without informing the HR department!!! My friend is a hajji and as far as I know, he says his prayer five times a day. I was really stupefied by his behavior. After some days, he became the senior manager of Unilever. Still, I question to myself, what was his benefit of doing so???? But, soon, I got call for the final interview. Just before the interview the gum of my teeth had been swollen; I was suffering from fever, dehydration, and low BP. Before the interview, one of the assistant officers of that NGO asked me whether I need any specific software. I told him regarding my requirements. But, when I sat for the written exam on the pc, I did not find my required software. I had to spoil nearly 50 minutes for this. However, in the interview board my whole body was shaking because of my sickness. As a result, I could not join there.  

        

       Then, I got another interview call from one of the reputed banks of Bangladesh for the position of Assistant Manager- Priority Banking and Client relationship. My father requested two of his students to make an opportunity for an interview. They assured my father, if I pass the written exam; they would recommend me. I was selected in the written exam and my father called one of his students before viva. But, he had forgotten to recommend for me, thus   I did not get the chance to enroll in that bank since I was the only one who was being unemployed for the last 3.5 years and the student of English Literature, where the rest of the three had the Bachelor of Business Administration degree from North South University  .

My father requested many of his students and nobody came forward to help him. I always felt so humiliated to see the condition of my father who never requested anybody for anything. He was one of the best teachers of one of the most reputed schools in Bangladesh. He used to call a spade a spade and always raised his voice against injustice. Throughout his life he was honest, as well as taught the students to be the better human beings.   Like other colleagues, he could not pile up enough wealth for the fortune of his children. Today, he is knocking from door to door for the sake of his children.

      

       Almost all the people who are my friends, relatives, and relatives do not want to hear the story of my failure; they only criticize me either point blank or behind my back. In the beginning of this write-up, I quoted Hemingway. The purpose of this quote is to exemplify that sometimes, some inbred elites are responsible to push the common citizens to fight against their lives, careers, after all rights.  

       Throughout my university life, I did assignments even for those people who were not the friends of mine, made understand their lessons, and helped my friends and people in every possible way. Sometimes, before exams, I had to discard my study in order to make understand their lessons. Almost all of my friends are holding good position either by their merit or by their power, but still I am unemployed. Once, these people used to use sugar coated words   and were ready to help me at any cost to fulfill their motives, but today, even mistakenly they don’t call me for once. I can not but look at them with astonishment. When I went for the viva interview for the enrollment of Masters Programme, one of the facultys asked me, ‘why do you want to study with literature’; I simply replied, ‘ I want to be a better human being’. Throughout my life, I  have been taught by father to tell the truth, to help others, and to remain honest. But, when I step my feet on the real world, I realize,  

        

                      'Life is not a movie...everyone lies, good guys lose, and love does not conquer all!'.  Whatever, I cannot but blame myself for my condition. I should have grabbed the opportunities without chasing the one. But I was obsessed to enroll into a particular field. But, still I anticipate that one day I will be able to take myself to the peak of success. And thus, I sing in tune of Maya Angelou,

     

                    ‘You may write me down in history

                                                                  

                          With your bitter, twisted lies,

                                               

                     You may trod me in the very dirt

                                                                         

                          But still, like dust, I’ll rise.’  

(Based on true incidents of an anonymous person)