Life before End

  

                                                                

                        MY childhood

It would be unjust, if I do not initiate my writing without mentioning the story of my father. My father was the son of a landlord, whose mother died when he was only 6 months. He had been brought up under the supervision of stepmom. He was like an orphan, who was restrained to enter into his abode since of the physical and mental torture of his step mom and siblings, as well as didn’t get a single pie from his family for education. As a result, he had to teach others to continue his study. However, after enough hardship, he obtained his B.A degree. Then he took a job in a school to save money for bearing the expense of Masters Degree. Suddenly   , a marriage proposal came to him. The parents of the daughter ensured him that they would bear the expense of his further study. My father easily believed them and got married to my mother. My father did not get chance in the University of Dhaka because of his break of study. He took admission in the University of Chittagong. When he demanded money from my maternal grandfather, he refused to give him so. My maternal uncle told my father to go for tuition, so that he could bear the expense of his study. But, there was none to give him students for tuition in the uncanny city of Chittagong. My father had a piece of land and he went to his father for the permission to sell it. But, my grandfather scolded him and cursed him for this proposal. So, he did not go against his father to sell the land. My father sold his books and came back to Dhaka with a broken heart. He went for teaching in Ideal School and College. We, the three siblings were being brought up under the care of my maternal grandfather without much care since my father was yet to be established. My mother had to cook and do all household chores in that house.  Suddenly, my elder sister got fever and they did not take him to the doctor . As a result, still she is suffering from post polio syndrome. She has to face problem when she walks because her left leg is curved. If someone gives a close notice, he can notice  defect. However, by this time my father took job in Motijheel Model High School and College. He rented a house for us, and we started to live with my parents. By this time, my step uncles had been spoilt because of much affection of my grandparents. Bit by bit,  they sold almost all the properties. The land lordship of my grandfather had been diminished. My step uncles were used to quarreling and brawling with their neighbors; even sometimes they used to beat my grandparents mercilessly for money. If something bad happened, my grandfather came to my father for help. My father used to help him with money and got involved into solving the problems which were being created by my step uncles.  He was also giving the education expenses of the children of his eldest sister.  Almost all his income went for the charitable work for helping his father and nieces. As a result, he was indifferent towards us. He could not even provide us a good teacher. However, let’s come to my mom; she was the great fan of her sisters and parents. She was always conscious for helping and visiting them in multifarious ways.  As a result, we, the siblings were being the most neglected children. 

Time was passing and we were raising without proper care. Suddenly, my eldest sister got failed in the final exam in two subjects. My parents used to give her mental and physical torture for this but unable to realize that if they would provide a good teacher, she would have not failed. My father who is known as an honest teacher did not request the class teacher to give my sister promotion. She was being transferred to the branch school.   She was given almost no money for everyday expenses. So, she used to go to school on foot. Nobody was beside her to guide; she was completely alone, alone in this globe, which was silently digesting insults and doing household chores. Suddenly, she got an accident and severely injured. Her scarf was tied with the wheel of the moving rickshaw, and two of the cords of her neck were incised. After that incident, she was delving into frustration bit by bit. But, the pressure of my parents was rigidly adhering at her beck and call. Gradually, she was becoming a schizophrenic patient. It took two years for my parents to understand her mental state. We took her to the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist prescribed medications. My maternal relatives who were very intellectuals advised my mother to give her a few sleeping pills. They had injected the idea in the mind of my  that too many sleeping pills would have a negative effect. My mother followed their advice and my sister’s condition deteriorated. After her illness, we, the three siblings were begun to be more lonely and uncared. My elder sister had to get admitted in a low standard school near the house because she was supposed to take care of my eldest sister and do household chores.  My father was taking care of his father’s and sister’s problems as well as became busy with my eldest sister. It was the high time for him of taking care of his children for a better future but he could not do so since he was besieged with multifaceted problems. 

After the illness of my sister another journey started. My father was spending money like water on my sister. They had been consulted with half of the psychiatrists, huzurs, and some astrologists of Bangladesh for the recovery of my sister. They took her to abroad for treatment but there was no improvement. Sometimes, we, the siblings could not celebrate Eid with our family because  my parents were remained  outside during eid vacation  for the treatment of my sister. Sometimes, I accompanied them and gathered various experiences from those pious frauds, who were supposed to make the mind of sister sound. By this time, my grandfather died but my father could not make himself free from the burden of helping his step brothers. He continued to help them in a way or out of a way.

 

In my child hood, my father used to beat me even for a small reason. I know that I was very nefarious in my childhood but he should not have beaten me even for a petty reason. No sooner had my father entered into home, my mother started complain against me. Sometimes, they kept me outside till midnight. Passing time out of the door was very scaring since of the fear of ghosts. Sometimes, my father tied me up with at the balcony for around midnight. Some other times, my father used to look for me to some of my senior brothers’ home with whom I used to play video games, and even used to beat me there in front of everyone. There are numerous examples like these.  They did not realize that children should not be brought up with these kinds of punishments. Yes, I can’t deny that I also got affection from them. But, the indifference was more than affection.  They used to blame me for every little deed of mine. When I was a student of class eight, I used to be sexually harassed by my home tutor. I told them regarding this but instead of taking actions against the home tutor, they scolded me. I had nothing to say at that time. I constantly sexually harassed by the tutor, and at last my parents just exempted the tutor without telling him the reason.  When I was a student of 10, my father stopped beating me since some of his colleagues made him realize that I was grown up and I might be spoilt since of physical punishment. Only my elder sister was my friend who always stood for me and still standing for me for anything.

  

                                                                         My Teen-age

Everything was going through as usual. Suddenly, my eldest sister wished that she wanted to be got married. My father talked to a psychiatrist, and he told him that her mental condition could be changed, if she got married. My father started to look for a groom to fulfill the wish of my sister. At last, he got him but the guy agreed to marry my sister for wholesome money. My father revealed everything regarding the mental condition of my sister. My sister got married. But after the marriage, her mental condition was being deteriorated. That is why; my father was taking time to give him the dowry.  Oops, I have forgotten to tell that the groom was from the same area of one of our maternal aunt’s. My intellectual aunt was instigating my mother to give the dowry as soon as possible because my father was not keeping his word and it was the cause of her ignominy. Because of two of my aunts, there started a outrageous quarrel in the family. It was the time when I was taking preparation for the Secondary School Certificate exam. I could not study at day because of the quarrel of my parents and hue and cry of my sister. So, I made the habit of waking at midnight; I made a cup of red tree and poured it into my empty belly, even sometimes without sugar. However, the groom was also coming frequently and it was severely hampering my study. At the mean time, I told my father to forbid the groom to visit home frequently. My mother heard it and she involved into a severe quarrel with me. She told me something which enforced me to talk to her the rest of the 12 years. Whatever, under constant press sure from my mother, my father was enforced to give him the money. After some days, my father realized that my sister was not fit enough to lead a normal family life. By this time, my sister got pregnant; we were astonished to hear it. My father was scared to think about the soundness of the health and fosterage of the child. The child might be like her mother. So, he wanted that my sister should go for an abortion. But, my intellectual aunt again advised my mother that my sister should not go for abortion since it might hamper the condition of my sister and the first child should not be apportioned. My father was fighting a literal war against the relatives against this but he was defeated. At that time, I was cursed by one of my aunt’s that I would be failed in the exam because of my misbehavior with my mother. The child saw the light of this globe and it was a baby girl. Suddenly, the groom filed a case in order to take his wife and child under his custody. But, my father did not feel secure to do so. There were a lot troubles regarding this amidst my SSC exam. Still, I can remember that before my two of the exams, I could not revise a single word for huge turmoil at home. My father could not attend to his job and thus, he became penniless. He sold all his village property to carry on the case and to maintain his family. At last, after two years the case was dismissed and the guy was enforced to give divorce to my sister. And, we had taken the niece under our custody.

Once, we were so solvent but the calamities made us financially crippled. Still I remember that, we had to move into a low rented house. We did not have enough good food to eat. During the Higher Secondary exams, sometimes, I had to go to the exam hall on walk after taking a piece of flour bread with sugar. There were many incidents like these.
                                                                        

 

                                                                   My University life
However, I passed the college with a moderate result. It was the time for me to enroll into an university.   All most all of my friends were going for studying Bachelor of Business Administration. I had the desire to take admission with them but my father did not have enough money to provide me the tuition fee for studying     Bachelor of Business Administration. So, I took admission in Bachelor of English in East West University.   Another uncanny journey started. My father took loan for providing the expense of my study.

I could not acquire a good GPA for the first three consecutive semesters.  My advisor told me to switch my department. Whatever, Once I requested one of my friends to make me understand one of the lessons which   I missed. But, instead of making me understand he insulted me. From that moment, I had been engaging my mind in studying for around 12 to hours, and gradually I began to raise my GPA and quality.

There is a proverb, “a friend in need is a friend indeed”; I always tried to help my friends. But, they always used me like a tissue. I had some friends of my department who they took the opportunity of my silence. They never spared the chance to insult me. There are a lot of incidents like;


I did not have enough money and thus, I could not company them to visit several places. But, they did not spare the chance to insult me for this. I did not have enough money, I was silent, I was not matured like them and these were the greatest vices of mine.

Then, still I am quite skinny. One of my friends used to call me Azam Khan before everyone of the class. My vexations made me a voiceless voice.

Moreover, it still made me surprise when I think about one of the professors of sociology department who also took the opportunity of my silence. I think as a PhD holder of sociology, he knew the definition of racism. As I was skinny, he gave me a girl’s name “Tamanna”, sometimes he called me Ramjan Ali. He insulted me in every class before everyone of the class.  Two of my    bloody friends got an issue to insult me. They used to call me by this name before almost everyone. I just used to cry lonely for their behavior.  They knew that I was suffering from family problems but they were heartless like beasts.

Gradually, I began to detach with them and involved with another batch. In that batch, we were three people but it became very difficult for me to maintain the standard of their life style. An unwanted incident happened between the two girls of that batch and we were being separated. Suddenly, one went to abroad and the other was continuing her study with me. She kept her friendship alive because she could understand lessons from me. She used to chase me like a dog but after university, she had not even called me for once.

Whatever, a girl took the opportunity of my separation. She made a close friendship with me. I was her university brother, lol. But, I could not realize for a moment that she was like others whose intention was to get help from me. I am giving her a fake name since I do not want to ruin her reputation. Her name is Shila. Suddenly, Shila got involved into a relationship. I also made a close friendship with Shila’s boyfriend Sayem (fake name). But, they were just using me which did not slightly come into my thought. Before every exam, I had to go to her home to make her understand the reading materials or I had to do it in the university. If she wanted to see his boyfriend, I had to company her; I had to go her home to make her parents realize that she was going outside with me. When she involved into conflict with others, Sayem used to enforce me to fight the battle in favor of her since he did not hamper his relationship with others.  After all, they were playing mind game with me.

Once, Shila involved into a conflict with someone in the university and the matter was taken into  one of the adjunct professor’s of Dhaka University. It is very normal that her boyfriend was supposed company him to meet that professor. But, instead of Sayem, I was enforced by him to company her to the room of that professor.

Moreover, when Shila went abroad, she used to buy a lot of luxurious things for his boyfriend by telling her parents that she was buying these for me. I don’t have any regret for gifts but it was a humiliating experience, when she used to tell her parents that Rafat told me to buy a shawl for his grandfather and so on.
The most interesting thing is that one day I along with Shila  came to the university on a holiday to meet Sayem. She kept me waiting in the university and went to meet Sayem. After an hour, she came and shocked me by saying that she was no more a virgin. Then Sayem and I went to buy for pill for her. We were wandering by rickshaw behind the Brac University and found one. But to my utter shock, he took a hundred taka note, gave it to me and was requesting me to buy pill for Shila. I did not want but he kept requesting me. I could not but go to buy pill for her. The shopkeeper’s killing look was giving me a heart attack.  The shopkeeper told me that the pill was 120 . Thus, I came back and took 20 more to buy the pill. My shame knew no bounds while I was buying the pill.

Then, there was an open book exam in the university. So, I photocopied the materials for both of us. Suddenly, she called and told me to photocopy the materials for one of the junior’s of the university. I told her, how she could tell me to do such things.  She was obstinate to realize it that it was really humiliating experience for me to photocopy for her friend. I had nothing to do except doing so.

Furthermore, once I requested my so called sister to company me for doing one of the urgent works of mine. But, to her, it was the most important thing to buy a shirt and a tie for her boyfriend. She forcefully took me to buy these things instead of doing my work. On that day, I realized that she was only with me for her selfish motives. I told about this to Sayem but he was silent like a cold blooded criminal.  

It was during the master’s admission test of mine. My admission test was quite bad since I thought it was the 1.30 hrs exam which actually was 60 minutes. I started to walk from Mohakhali to home. When I reached at Rampura, Shila called me and requested me to make her understand the reading materials for her. I told her regarding my exam but she was not ready to listen to my words. I was thinking, how selfish she is!!!!!!!! On that day, I did not do so. She scored a very high CGPA by taking help from me; I never regretted by thinking that she used to get good marks than I after taking help from me but my friendship with her made me suffer a lot. There are many more incidents like these which still taunt me.

However, it was the time when there raised a conflict between Sayem and Shila regarding sexual harassment. I  can’t disclose it since it is very disgusting. Whatever, their relationship was on the verge of break up. I thought, it was the high time to kicked one of them. I broke the so called brother and sister relationship and kept the friendship alive with Sayem since I thought Sayem was better than Shila. And that was another mistake, which I would disclose later part of my writing.


But, I can’t but say that during the last few semesters of my honors’, I had got some friends who were and will always think for my betterment. They are Asif and Paolo; I have not given any fake name for them since I don’t have any problem to disclose the name of the better persons. Oops, I have forgotten to say that Ekkra was the another person, who will be remained as a well-wisher and helper of mine . I don’t know, how we became best friends but the truth is that our close friendship was a secret in the university. They were the persons to whom I used to disclose my problems and they always inspired me to move forward.

had to muster enough courage to write about my bitter experience, which I had to encounter during my university life. I have never thought of writing this piece of thing because like many others, I do believe that talking about being bullied is to talk about being the “other”, which is considered self-disgraceful. So, I have always kept my experience concealed. But, today I have decided to write after going through the news of committing suicide of Chester Bennington, the fierce lead singer for the platinum-selling hard rock band Linkin Park. Obviously, there are multifarious reasons behind his drastic decision, like he was struggling with drugs and alcohol for years, was molested during his childhood, and subjected of being bullied for being skinny. I can’t but talk about the issue of bulling by keeping aside the others since I was also subjected of being bullied, and I know the mental agony of being ‘other’. I was very reticent during my university life because then I had to strive with multitudinous critical dilemmas of my family. Some of my friends took the opportunity and used to make fun and snub out of my secretiveness. However, I think, I was then a student of third semester and had just passed teenage. I never imagined that one of greatest blows was awaiting for me during that time. I took one of the compulsory courses named Social Science. The then Chairperson of Social Science Department used to teach this course. As far as I know, every semester he used to target one student and abuse him verbally. Unfortunately, I was the target of his bullying in that semester. He was obsessed with sizeism. I was skinny and still I am, and he used to take it as an arrow to pierce me. There was hardly any class in which he did not abuse me verbally. Before the whole class, he used to call me a girl, gave me a girl’s name (Tamanna) or sometimes used to call me Romzan Ali. Sometimes, he used to ask ‘are you a boy?!’ Or used to ask my friends, ‘Is she your friend’??. I used to tolerate his verbal abuse like a dumb ass. The chairperson achieved his PhD degree on Social Science and I am cock sure that he, at least received some knowledge regarding racism or stereotypical attitude, which is not confined only within the color ,gender, and race but also making someone feel different or ‘other’ because of his/her physical appearance. Some of my friends, who never spared the chance to give me a cold shoulder took it as an opportunity to taunt me. Sometimes, they used to ask question regarding my gender identity before others or call me by the given name of that professor or call me Azom Khan at the top of their voice before everyone in the class or outside class. They knew that I was like a subaltern, a voiceless voice; so, it was their legal right to kill me with their words. They knew some of my severe personal problems in my family but still they constantly jeered at me. I know the mental agony of being bullied. Sometimes, I used to cry inside the washroom of the university or sobbing while remain awake all night long, or used to argue with God by asking “God, why have you made me skinny???People humiliate me because of my skinniness……….” I couldn’t share my feeling even with my family members or close ones since I used to think that expressing my feeling to them making me ‘other’ in their eyes and they would look at me differently. I was dyeing inside bit by bit. My confidence level faced highest downfall; I was suffering from immense inferiority complex, I was on the verge of fragility. But, somehow, because of my defense mechanism, I didn’t let myself fall. But, I can’t help saying that these verbal abuses cost a huge psychological damage in my life. Like a shadow, sometimes the experience of being bullied hits me with immense force. I know, Chester Bennington could not evade the feeling of being bullied throughout his life. The experience of being bullied never left him. Depression does not have any age, race, gender, and time. And, sometimes, it is YOU, who pushed other to devour into depression. However, throughout Chester’s life, he might have suffered from this bitter experience along with other problems. In Bennington’s lyrics to hits such as “One Step Closer”, “Crawling” and “Numb”– which explored his personal insecurities and the impediments that he has overcome throughout a challenging life – misunderstood teenagers found an expression of their fears and troubles. Especially, “Numb” is the song, where the girl is getting bullied by people so much that makes her numb to the world with no friends and a sense of insecurity and fear is being portrayed here. However, People who bully others should think at least for once regarding the psychological consequence of the victim; they should replace them to the victim’s place only for once. Before, bullying someone, they should bully God because it’s the same God who made you and the victim. If you do have objection about someone’s physical appearance, then you should knead his clay and make him again otherwise, you should keep your fucking mouth shut.

I have to mention the name of my some junior friends who are always my well wishers, they are; Oyshi, Shaeen, and Shibli. Oyshi you are the best. You are still with me, you are more than my best friend, I always consider you as my own sister, I will never forget you for everything you have done and still doing for me. I know, what you have done for me is priceless. Thank you again. I wish I would get admitted in your batch or would get you as friends earlier.

 

However, I had to suffer in my university not only for some friends but also for various reasons. As a student of English, it was a must for every student to have a computer. I did not have a computer. I knew that my father was giving my tuition fee by taking loan from the school. I did not have the courage to tell him to buy a computer for me. I was dependent on the class lecture and cheap note books. To tell you the truth, I did not even know how to move the mouse, so I never went to the lab. Even in fear, I did my CSE 101 course in my last semester which was supposed to do within 1^st three semesters. Most of the times, I used to give hand written assignments. When some faculties demanded printed assignment, literally I fell into the soup. Sometimes, I went to the cyber café for composing and some other times, I did not submit assignments. But, gradually I was raising my CGPA since I used to work hard to analyze the reading materials. However, my father bought me a computer on loan during my 8^th semester. Somehow, I was relieved to get a computer.

During the whole university life I used to wake at 2.00 am.  Since most of the times I could not study at day time because of the screaming of my sister.  Sometimes I could not sleep whole   night even before the exam. So, I had to appear in the exam hall without revising anything. Suddenly the clock alarmed and I woke up at midnight. These things severely affected my psychological state. I could never give my presentation without shivering. Sometimes, I wrote the wrong answer in the exam script though I knew it. I could not write structurally in the exam script, though I knew where I was mistaking. After all, disorder mind, disorder writing. Still now, sometimes, when I go for a written or viva interview, I mess up everything because of my early psychological  stress.

 

  However, because of money, sometimes I had to face unexpected problems. On the verge of every semester, I was scared to think, whether my father would be able to pay the next semester tuition fee. For paying my tuition fee, once my father sold a portion of homestead land. Sometimes, there was no bus to come home since of the rumpus of the students’ of Titumur College. I used to wait in the library and went to the bus stops to see whether there was any possibility of getting the bus. Once, I waited from morning to evening. Then, I came back home on foot. But, I never took any financial help from anyone. NEVER-EVER ………………………

                              

However, I got admitted into Masters’. I used to mingle with paolo, oyshi, sayem, shaeen, shibli,shammi,Ekkra,Asif. Paolo had been post graduated soon. Sayed had a new relationship with another girl. The girl used to be remained with us as a friend. Once, Sayem called everyone in front of a shop. I thought that someone was attacking him, but to my utter surprise, he wanted to let everyone know that her girlfriend was gifting me a branded watch. So, he wanted to give it before everyone for cheap popularity. Another chapter of using me as a tissue started. I am cock sure that Sayem told his girlfriend regarding my characteristics. Her girlfriend became so close with me. She used to get help from me. I had to make her understand lessons, write her assignments, tell the summaries of the novels-poems, corrected her writing, even sometimes I had to go with her to meet Sayem. She did not even know how to download an article from computer; so she took me with her in the library to download and photocopy articles. I was exhausted to talk to her either to give advice regarding her affair or made her understand lessons.

 However, once our university arranged an intra university football tournament. Sayem and one of my junior friend’s were in the English Department Football Team. But, Sayem was being victimized by the two of our fellow mates, who did not like him. Sayem had to sit in the gallery in every match. Our team was defeated in the final game. I could not tolerate it, so raised my voice before everyone in favor of Sayem.I scolded one of my junior friend’s before everyone. But, I was amazed to see it that I was raising my voice for Sayem but he was silent. Then, by someone’s instigation, I took the issue to the Chairman of our department which I should not do. I feel sad for that guy, because of complain his Teaching Assistant job was gone but I did not say a single word about that junior friend and thus, saved him. My friendship with that junior friend came to an end but Sayem maintained his friendship with him.

 During the last semester of my master’s, Oyshi, Sayem, and I took a course together. We were supposed to submit a paper in that course and to sit for only one exam. Oyshi did 75% work of the paper and I did 25% work of the paper where the contribution of Sayem was zero. In the exam hall, I asked a thing to Sayem. He forcefully gave his answer script. I had never done this kind of thing. I was so nervous. Suddenly, one of the girls who had a conflict with Sayem screamed. I throw the answer script and the faculty noticed it. In the mean time, the beast who used to tease me during my under grade was influencing that girl to call sir for doing justice. She called the faculty of that course for doing justice. Sayem was his favorite student since he used to carry the faculty’s bag until getting a CNG, bought laptop for him and took it to his home. Sayem was the oiling machine, who used to do these niggardliness’s with almost all the faculties for obtaining good marks. Though he was not a good student at all, every semester, he used to obtain a high CGPA. However, he called that faculty and put the blame on me for this. I did not even know this. The day before the publication of the result, I went to new market to buy some books for Sakib’s sister. He called  and told me that it was urgent for him to meet me. He waited for me for about two hours. I reached to the campus to meet him. I took a heavy meal before meet him. When I met him, he forcefully took me to a restaurant and ordered halim for me. I was continuously telling him that I was full. But, because of his enforcement I took two spoons and wasted the rest. On the day of the publication of result, instead of seeing the result, he went to a date with his girlfriend. I saw the result and found that the faculty degraded my grade for doing unfair means in the exam, but Sayem achieved A in the exam. When I went to ask to the faculty for this injustice, he threatened me and told me that Sayem put the blame on me. It was I who committed the crime. I took it to the Chairperson, and in the middle of the next semester, under getting pressure from the chairperson, he upgraded my grade to   A- where I was supposed to get A. My CGPA was 3.47 at that time. If the faculty would upgrade my grade before, I would have retaken the course to secure 3.50.But, If I would retake that course then, I had to waste two more semester since the advising time was closed when he upgraded my grade. And, Ii I could secure 3.5, it would be easier for me to get scholarship and to submit my CV as a faculty like many of my friends. The chairperson told me  to submit application against Sayem and the faculty member but I did not do so for the sake of friendship. If I would submit an application against Sayem, he would be exempted from his Teaching Assistant Job. I still believe Nature will punish him but will I get the compensation. The question is absurd???????

Suddenly, there raised a conflict between Sayem and his new girlfriend. Her girlfriend hacked his facebook and found his relationship with a number of girls. Her girlfriend broke the relationship with Sayem. But, she used to taunt me constantly  to help her. I had never seen such a stupid, foolis, idiot, shameless girl like Sayem’s girlfriend. She used to irritate me until the end of her Masters’. Just before her compellation of her Masters’ , I was just trying to avoid her. One day, she called and told me to mail my CV to her, so that, her father could try for me to get a better job. Just after saying this, she told me, ‘Rafat Vai, I am giving you my assignment please make a correction’. Still, she taunts me for helping her on different issues.

In the mean time, I was trying to join in the Social Science Department as a Graduate Teaching Assistant(GTA) . During that time, many students who had secured 3.2 from English Department were GTAs’ but that professor who used to tease me did not let me to join in his department. First of all, I was not a girl and secondly he thought me a dumb asshole.

Whatever, at that time I got an interview calls from one of the channels? I was acquainted with a guy through Facebook and we became so good friends. We used to share intellectual thoughts and problems in fb. He forwarded my CV to the Head of The News of that channel. I was selected and the Head of News of that channel assured me that he was going to give me joining next month. In the mean time, I got a call from university to join as a GTA in my own department, but I did not join there because of the assurance. Few months had been passed but I was not called for joining there, and every month I used to ask my friend and got the same reply  ‘next month’. My friend used to call that Head of the News as Papa. Eight months had been passed but I did not get any call. Then, suddenly that Head of the News  joined in another media house. But, my facebook friend was trying for my joining in that channel. Another Head of the news (Bangla) of that channel assured my friend that she would let me join in that channel. I was waiting and waiting and thus one and a half year went by. My friend joined in another channel where his papa was working. His papa assured me that soon he would call me for interview. I spoilt another six months on the basis of his assurance. But, he did not call me. At the same time, one of the high ranked ministers called one of the leading journalists and brother of the Head of the News of the channel where I was selected earlier. He assured me that he would soon give me appointment. But, there was an internal conflict between two Head of the News and my friend left his job from that channel without any prior notice. As, a result I could not join there and another4 months went by from my life. During that time, I was just used by my face book friend. I had to go with him for buying furniture for his home; I had to company him since he was so sick to enjoy Bengal Music Festival; I had been used in some other different ways. During that time, I used to consider myself as the garbage of the dustbin.
However, after two years, I got a chance to give interview in one of the leading houses of media. They took written interview for about 6 hours for three consecutive days’ .There I faced extreme racism. The sub-editor of that house was in the charge to take the written interview. He did not talk to me properly since I was not a girl as well as I was from private university. He was always busy in chit chatting with another interviewee of my university.  On the first day of my interview, he did not spare the chance to criticize me. I was given a computer to work but there was no Avro Software there. When I told him regarding this, he told me very harshly that I had to work on that computer. On the second day, I came early, so that I could possess a sit of a better computer. I possessed the seat and after sometimes one of the interviewees of the Dhaka University came. The sub-editor looked at him and gave a sigh since that DU student had to work on a less functional computer.  On the last day, after finishing my work, I requested him to open the door for me with his id card. He kept me waiting. I was looking at his PC and observing his work. Suddenly, he gave an angry look and told me ‘what are you looking at’; I replied that I was looking at his work. He harshly told me, ‘you don’t need to be, it’s a bad manner’. However, he kept me waiting for an hour. After an hour, he told me that I don’t need to come from tomorrow. He did not let me know that the result would be published later. On that day, I came home from Karwan Bazar to Bashaboo on foot because of utter frustration. I was feeling so helpless. After a month, I was called for viva from that house. The viva was quite good, but probably they were not convinced and that is did not let me join in their house.

 

In the mean time, I involved into a relationship with a girl of my university.  We were so acquainted with each others. But, I did not want to involve into any relationship with her since my father had recently being retired. So I did not want to go for a relationship with her. But, she steadily believed that I would get a job soon. And we were having an affair. Because of multifarious problems,I used to be an agonistic in my university life. The girl influenced me to believe in Allah and pray. I started to pray but sometimes it terribly shakes. She is being given every type of support to me. Three years have been passed but yet I have to get a job. I had been selected in different institutions in the written exams but was not selected in the vivas.

Recently, one of the persons who is very fond of mine and a very good person had forwarded my CV to the Director of one of the NGO’s. I was called for the interview. One of my friends was the senior HR manager of that institution. I told him regarding the interview and he really motivated me. After some days, I was called for a demo interview without the acknowledgement of the HR division. When I informed about this to my friend he was infuriated since how could another department call me for an interview. I requested him not to react and he gave me commitment. But, he was demotivating me by saying that I was not eligible for the post. So, I should not go for the interview.  But, I appeared for the demo interview. It was better than expected and the last question of the interviewer was ‘ have you told ‘Z’ regarding the demo interview. I replied yes . My friend informed all the employees of that NGO. He even called the interviewer and asked her, how they could take interview without informing the HR department. But, soon, I got call for the final interview. Just before the interview the gum of my teeth had been swollen; I was suffering from fever, dehydration, and low BP. Before the interview, one of the assistant officers of that NGO asked me whether I need any specific software. I told him regarding my requirements. But, when I sat for the written exam on the pc, I did not find my required software. I had to spoil nearly 50 minutes for this. However, in the interview board my whole body was shaking because of my sickness. As a result, they did not let me join there.

Then, recently I have got another interview call from one of the reputed bank’s of Bangladesh. My father requested two of his students to make an opportunity for an interview. They ensured my father that if I pass the written exam, they would recommend me for viva. I was selected in the written exam but they had forgotten to recommend for me and I have not got the chance. My father has been requested to many of his students and nobody came forward to help him. I always felt so humiliated to see the condition of my father who never requested anybody for anything. Today, for the sake pf his children, he is knocking from door to door.

I had to bury a lot of enjoyment and suffer a lot because of the financial juncture of my family. I still remember that I could not go outside on several eid and Pahela Baishakh occasions because I did not have any Punjabi. I did not even tell my father to buy a Punjabi for me. Sometimes, I had to borrow Punjabi from some of my friends by telling them lies.
Then, sometimes I went to meet my friends and suddenly they decided to hangouts in some restaurants. At these times, I really felt in the soup since I did not have money to eat with them. Sometimes, I used to  receive  fake calls and told them that one of my relatives got sick and hospitalized and I had to go there immediately or made some other excuses to escape my friends.
  I still remember, everyday me and my sister was looking for a comparatively low rented house with  102 F fever and severe cold.
 I still remember, once I fell on human garbage near shooting club and lost one of my sandals. And, I was searching for the sandal amidst darkness for about half an hour since I did not want to buy a new pair of sandals. One of my legs up to thighs was wetted with black mud of the garbage. A passersby stopped me by saying that I would not get the lost sandal. Without sandals, I walked about 30 minutes since all the rickshaws were demanding high fare and I could not take a bus because of dirty smell from my body. During my university life, most of the times I had to suffer from severe asthma problem but I did not tell my father regarding this since I knew that it would impose extra financial pressure on him.
I still remember, once the fan of my room was not moving,  I had to swing the fan with a stick so that the fan could run. Suddenly, a spark of fire was gushing from it. I had to wait for two weeks to buy a fan.
I still remember that my maternal grandmother used to call her rich grandchildren ‘nanu vai’ ‘tumi’ but we were called ‘tui’ .
I still remember, one of the beasts who  used to tease me, just downloaded a thing and printed out it for me since I could not operate computer and demanded 500 taka; when I give him 300 taka, he threw the money before my face and insulted me harshly. 

I still remember, one of my friends was using sugar coated words against me since I did not meet her for a long time. She wanted to do so in an expensive place. I told her that I don’t have enough money to hangout outside, so it’s better to meet her one day at her home. She told me that she would let me know but she never let me know.

 I still remember that  even the shopkeeper beside my home did not spare the chance to insult me. Every relative of mine thinks that I don’t have the slightest merit of getting a job. I am a worthless creature.  I still remember that I could not attend to the wedding of many of my friends since I did not have the money to buy gift. The most pathetic thing is that one of my childhood best friends requested several times to attend to her weeding, but I could not do so because even I did not have the fare to go to her wedding reception.

I still remember the mental anxiety of my sister, who was selected in the written exam of my father’s school but they did not let her to join since they demanded bribe from my father. My sister was kept waiting for about 4 years from the school. At last, my father offered money but they did not let my sister to join since my father used to call a spade a spade and whole of his life raised his voice against injustice.

I still remember the insult by one of my junior friends. I used to help him in every possible way. I did her assignments, making his presentations, made him realize reading materials, even helped him to complete his MBA internship report. Once he requested me to make him understand the English portion of BCS exam. When I said no, he insulted me in a very rude way.

Money is really the second God. Once we were solvent but gradually fell down. If my father piled up money, our future could be different; I could go for Bachelor of Business Administration or Masters of Business Administration. ………………. Baki ace

I have been enduring a lot of criticisms from everyone since I am not getting a job. My maternal uncle told my grandmother that I would never get a job. My uncle had taken a lot of care to his children and thus, his children are in good position. Thus, he has gained the right to criticize me. His wife advised me to search for Bangladeshi girls on internet who are living in abroad, marry one of them and go with her in abroad since I don’t have any future in Bangladesh. Once, I told my aunt that her sister to some extend was responsible for the disaster of our family. She then told my mother that I was getting mad.   My maternal uncle took my CV but he did not do anything except criticizing me. My juniors are used to criticizing me behind my back.. Nobody wants to hear the story of losers. I am the loser. But, still, my girlfriend is anticipating that I would get a better job .and, I still hope that, one day I will be able to rise, still I hope for a better future. And, hope is a good thing which makes us alive.